Allo!if i were a betting man i’d say that this is the girl that i’m going to marry. the initial euphoria of telling each other that we’re in love is beginning to settle into reality as she begins contending with issues that complicate the purity of our love. so what if i don’t match a million out of a million things she would have defined as her perfect mate?

none of us are perfect and when connecting with someone else the imperfection of both is magnified and the relationship itself can never be perfect. we will never find the perfect person for us to build the perfect relationship with. however, i am extremely flexible with her dedication to the religion and wanting to be more religious. but she has to be ok with the fact that i won’t be the one suggesting we do more religious things.

it has to be on her initiative, but i’ll seldom be against it or try to convince her to not do something. at this point I’m confident that we’ll be able to overcome all issues. at this point I am also starting to feel much more at peace with myself, the relationship, etc. and i’ve developed a good base of confidence from which to deal with the upcoming issues. neither one of us wants another silly fling. we are both looking to settle down. so even though its weird to talk about certain things after only knowing each other for two weeks this is the reality. i’m confident she’ll still remember she loves me and not let any issues that arise be deal breakers.

does love conquer all? how do we decide what to compromise on and what to be stubborn about when faced with someone we love and the inevitable fact that they aren’t precisely whom we would have built is designing our perfect match?

an annoyance i’d like to share is that YES, we have been intimate with each other (no sex, but plenty of other stuff) and i’m afraid and annoyed that she’ll feel guilty (almost as if I’m describing a bunch of Catholics, know what I mean?) about the things we’ve done and ping-pong back and forth between wanting to be intimate with me and then feeling bad and not touch me. this could be very annoying. she wants to do stuff with me, and has and will continue to, but then she feels bad and pulls back.

there are definite limits – no sex, very little if any sleeping over, no weekend trips together to Eilat, etc. as a difficult bonus for me to cope with, she’d like to observe all religious practices surrounding a woman’s time of the month (just so you know, observant married couples aren’t allowed to touch each other for about 20 days out of the month). of course we aren’t allowed to do what we have already done before marriage. so the line of what is and isn’t acceptable for us to do is being completely defined by her, along no logical lines (logic doesn’t apply to these issues).

i can accept everything but at the end of the day i am still frustrated by the seeming irrationality and my lack of control over the situation. am i just supposed to be her lap-dog, kissing her when she’s horny and completely pulling back when she feels guilty?

About the author


struggling. emotional. help.


  • Hey, Jimmy D., I’m happy to read that you’ve found someone you’re willing to begin carving out a future with! You’ve discovered in a little over 2 weeks that you didn’t find her as a “perfect mate,” but she may end up being a “suitable mate” for you. Staying together will require a lot of open communication, focusing especially on what qualities and issues are most important, and which ones you can be more flexible about.

    You seemed concerned about the sexual experimentation you two are engaging in, and this is going to be a crucial issue in your relationship’s success. While it can be wonderful and exhiliarating to physically express your feelings with each other, you have to be careful that it doesn’t become the only way to express yourselves. BTW — couples who observe the Jewish “laws of family purity” are usually separated for 14 or 15 days max, not 20 days as you stated. This is a time when couples can renew their emotional and spiritual intimacy through verbal communication, rather than instinctively going for the physical.

    Since you are willing to have your girlfriend take the lead on all religious matters, and you see sex as falling into that category, I suggest that you encourage her to express exactly what she is willing and not willing to do. If you agree, then you can assure her that you will work with her to maintain those boundaries. This then frees you up to continue discussing all of the many other topics and issues that are necessary to building a healthy and mutually gratifying relationship.

    Try not to let too many things get too heavy right now. Make sure that you have plenty of opportunities to have fun together! Hatzlocha!

  • That last paragraph of your post sounds so sad. It seems like your fear of offending her religious beliefs has placed this woman in a very empowering position where she basically gets to decide everything. She should respect you enough to treat you with some consistency. Like it’s either ok to make out or it isn’t. If deep down she feels that everytime she touches you she is doing something wrong, she will eventually come to resent you.