Whyyyyyy?Now, I’ve lived in Israel for a good chunk of 2005. And for all the travails this most Zionist of entities has put me through, at the very least I always had two trusty standbys to fall back on: great weather and great hummus.

I’m a sun child. I hate cold. I hate snow. I don’t much care for rain. I think the Negev has about the best weather possible. So, with this meteorological perspective in mind, could someone please explain to me…

WHAT ARE THESE GRAY PUFFY THINGS IN THE SKY AND WHY IS THERE WATER FALLING OUT OF THEM?!

Oh, sure, they warned me about Jerusalem winters, but damn, Jerusalem, baby, why can’t you let me down easy? Why does it gotta be four months of nothing but warm weather and sunshine and then boom, chill and gray and blustery and wet? And why are Israeli apartments all built with tile floors and huge windows like it’s eternal summer? Oh, why oh why?

Apparently, according to my friends who pay attention to this kind of thing, having rain during Sukkot before the prayer in the Amidah switches from dew to rain is bad luck and sign of God’s displeasure. So, in honor of this First Jerusalem Rainfall, I propose a little quiz: What is The Big Guy Pissed About?

a) The heartless expulsion of Jews from the Holy Land of Israel by the Rasha Government
b) Black American gentiles not studying enough Torah (the Ovadiah Yosef theory)
c) Black American gentiles studying too much Torah
d) Gay marriage
e) Nosson Slifkin
f) Grand Muffti
g) The Jewlicious/Jewschool spat
h) The troops of the Great Satan occupying Muslim Land
i) This probably has less to do with God and more to do with the fact that Sukkot is late this year which makes it simply much more statistically likely for the first rainfall to take place before or during the holiday

Vote now! Vote often!

Meanwhile, I’m going to be praying that now that the weather has gone south, the hummus stays good.

About the author

michael

32 Comments

  • Quit yer whining. Try having Succot in Seattle (hey, that could be a movie!). Cold, rainy, blargh. I don’t know why people even bother putting them up. We all know darn well that it will rain nonstop the whole week, and no one will ever go out and eat in them. We’re freezing our kreplach off out here!

  • Hi son, nice to hear from you.

    It’s a beautiful sunny day here in Wisconsin*, so why don’t you come and visit us soon? We miss you.

    Oh, I may be getting a new job too. Details to follow.

    *cold as hell, though (full disclosure)

  • Muffti votes (f), of course!

    But he’s confused. He doesn’t spend a lot of time in synagogue, but he clearly remembers that there is a prayer we say around sukkot, tefillat ha’geshem. He thinks. And that means something like ‘rain prayer’. Muffti guesses that we don’t do that til shemini atzeret, but still: God gives you something you were going to pray for and your first assumption is that he’s angry?!?

    Muffti can only conclude that God is happy and that it is Muffti that please him so.

  • Muffti, I stand impressed by your shamanic abilities. You make prayers for rain (can you identify that band?) and boom, Jerusalem floods. As did New Orleans, Florida, Louisiana.

    Do me a favor and recite the tefillat ha’make a fat deposit in an unmarked Swiss bank account, who must return the money to its rightful owner at a latter, predetermind date. You can find that one in Appendix G of the newest Artscroll.

    encino yeled also wonders if speaking in the third person like muffti bothers muffti. Encino yeled is curious as to whether the muffti sees this as some sort of identity plagarism. Encino yeled contends that this is somehow, in a weird twilight zone way, fun.

  • hehehe…EY, Muffti’s abilities are limited, but he’ll see what he can do. As for speaking in the third person, go ahead! Muffti doesn’t own the third person narrative style. Though maybe there’s a prayer for that too…

  • You were thinking that the third person narrative style might be the way to go, when you remembered that you’d left a gram stashed above the toilet tank at the Odeon and forgot the whole thing.

    Whoops… channeling Jay McInerney…

  • G-d’s pissed? Well, if the wacky weather and natural disasters from the past year are any sign, my only reply is…. uh, DUHHH!!!

  • i’m gunna go with… a)

    why should israelis enjoy paradise when they’ve taken a part of it away with their own hands? you complain of rain while people wait 3 years for their new homes to be built. bah.

  • He’s pisssed off because you have invaded a sovereign country and are being backed by the USA..get ready for a lot of rain honey

  • Aren’t you happy that the US is fighting Iraq on your behalf? The US is sacificing American soldiers in the name of Israel. Shows just how far the AIPAC lobby $’s will go. It’s scandelous, absolutely fucking scandelous..

  • no, no he is right. I was at the meeting last week, you know, the one headed by the Elders of Zion as we discussed our international conspiracy to take over the banking industry and Hollywood, when the question about Iraq was raised. And we all agreed that it is being fought soley for Israel and its illegal existance since it apparently just invaded an already sovereign country and..what? wait? I am basing this rant on propaganda and not on facts. Wow, what a fool I have been.
    On a side note- I hope the weather clears up for you there Michael.

  • Personally, considering the fact that the last time the United States invaded Iraq Israel got bombed, I wonder why the “international Jewish conspiracy” would back going into Iraq if it just meant more bombs for Israel.

    And yes, Palestinians have rights… as do all human beings. We just have to use them for good, and not for blasting one another with words and weapons. Peace on all sides, please!

  • Grr… my comments things suck on this computer.

    And I didn’t know that I invaded Iraq, but Palestinianshaverightstoo said that I did… hmm… my plans for world domination are working.

    Hey, anyone want a position in my world domination project? It believes in freedom and peace. Who’s in?

  • I’m gonna go with B. Dag on black goys are giving us black jews a bad name. READ MORE TORAH!! Haha.. Love this site.

  • Wait, we invaded a sovereign country? Which one? ‘Cause we pulled out of Lebanon years ago and we haven’t touched Egypt since the Yom Kippur War. I’m confused. Maybe I just haven’t been studying up on my Israeli history!

  • oh, it’s gonna be a cold cold winter in jerusalem. better to make like a counterintuitive bird and migrate north to the dramatically more temperate Tel Aviv, a much better city anyway. fewer Americans/dosim/American dosim

  • Ofri, what the hell are dosim?

    On a totally different topic, did anyone see the Daily Show with Bill O’Reilly? Jon Stewart said “the neo-cons.” I laughed. My dog cried. And my roommate, who is suffering from bad food poisoning, was still vomiting last night’s burrito.

  • dosim are hasidic jews. all things considered it’s not a very kind term, perhaps i should recant.

  • Ofri – dosim is hebrew for dati’im. The awful ashkenazic shtetl pronunciation, dosim, is meant to make fun of Hassidic Jews. Having said that, it’s easy to “have fun” in Tel Aviv. There are bars everywhere, clubs you name it. But nothing good or truly sublime is easy to come by. Yes there are many religious Jews and Americans in Jerusalem, but Jerusalem has a side of it (if you know where to look) that Tel Aviv could never achieve. I’ve had the kind of fun in Jerusalem (and fun even by secular standards) that most Tel Avivians couldn’t even begin to imagine. Yes, the cold and the rain sucks, but don’t be so narrow minded Offri! I’ll be in Jerusalem in three weeks. Come. Hang out. We’ll show you a good time. 😉

  • g) The Jewlicious/Jewschool spat

    …jewschool is currently down as far as i can tell..

    not that i’m implying that the big guy is pissed about anyone in particular.. 😉

  • HELLO MOROCCO AND AUSTRALIA!

    Ck, you’re gonna take Ofri bar-hopping among the dosim?

    By the way, maybe it’s me and not the site, but this has been the slowest loading for me ever. Is anybody else experiencing this problem?

  • yeah yeah yeah. the jewschool rss feed is down so it slows things down and messes up our layout. i’ll fix it when I get home. And yeah, we’ll take you uh… bar hopping with the dosim. Do you think you can handle it? Or do you prefer your wussy little girlie martinis in tel aviv? Heh! But seriously. Three weeks. Look me up.

  • My science geek-y self chooses (i). I guess that means I should also pick (e) in order to hedge my bets. Either way, I probably win.

  • wussy girlie martinis? i hope you were addressing themiddle, because my name was not carrie bradshaw the last time i checked. i’d love to knock back a jaeger or three with you in the holiest of cities, but i live in florida at the moment and won’t be in fair israel until may, woefully. by the way i was born and raised in jerusalem (left at 9 years old, admittedly too young to be hip with the kids) and while it was a fabulous place to grow up, it has deteriorated and is overrun with dati’im, to be pc about it. tel aviv is where the artists are, it’s where the shopping is, it’s where yafo is, it cannot be beat. but maybe i just need someone over the age of 9 and under the age of my parents to show me around jerusalem.

Leave a Comment