Party in Kfar Tapuach: It’s the Joint.

If for some reason coming into contact with ultra-extremist religious right-wing settler-types doesn’t make you want to eat a mess of pork ribs and hop in bed with the first icy blond Scandinavian you see, might I suggest hopping an armored bus to Kfar Tapuach, the Kahanist Samarian settlement currently home to Israel’s hottest party?

That’s right. The wacky guys of Kfar Tapuach who, apparently religious forbidden from not taking everything extremely seriously, let off steam by standing in circles and mumbling stupid crap in Aramaic, are in the midst of celebrations set off by the deterioration of Ariel Sharon’s health.

Far-right activists took credit Thursday for the severe deterioration in Ariel Sharon’s health, claiming that a pulsa denura – Aramaic for “lashes of fire” – death curse they instigated against the prime minister in July was the real catalyst behind his current state of health.

“I take full responsibility for what happened,” far-right activist Baruch Ben-Yosef, one of the participants at the July pulsa denura, told The Jerusalem Post. “Our pulsa denura kicked in. Nothing could kill Sharon and he said his ancestors lived until they over 100 years old but we got him with the pulsa denura.”

On Wednesday night, Ben-Yosef and additional far-right activists gathered in the Samaria settlement of Kfar Tapuah to honor Binyamin Kahane – son of Meir Kahane – and his wife Talya who were murdered by Palestinian terrorists exactly five years ago. Upon hearing the news of Sharon’s stroke, Ben-Yosef said, the group broke out in song and dance and celebrated the prime minister’s fall throughout the night.

On Thursday, the activists said it was not a coincidence that Sharon fell gravely ill the same day as Kahane’s murder. “There is a judge in this world,” Ben-Gvir said. “[Prime minister] Yitzhak Rabin was killed on the fifth anniversary of Meir Kahane’s murder and Sharon fell ill on the anniversary of Binyamin Kahane’s murder.”

On Thursday, Ben-Gvir held a party at his Hebron home to celebrate the “annulment of evil decrees against the people of Israel.”

I kind of have this mental image of a bunch of fatasses with knitted kippot and M-16s holding hands dancing around in a circle singing “Ding dong the witch is dead,” but that just might be my overactive imagination.

But seriously, folks. Pulsa denura. Exotic death curses. When did Judaism become as theologically advanced as the Office Voodoo Kit? When people who are theoretically supposed to be the spiritual leaders of your religion are putting great stock in something available for $9.95 on Amazon.com, isn’t there a problem somewhere? But maybe I’m being unfair. At the very least, being an idiot who believes in pulsa denura curses and the rabbis who make them is cheaper than being a Kabbalah Centre devotee and dropping 4 grand on a Zohar. Apparently all you need is a knit kippa or shtreimel and a chub-hiding man-mumu.

Ultimately, it all seems rather convenient. Although logically had the pulsa denura truly been effective it would have killed Sharon before the disengagement, something tells me that no matter when he dies, even if he had lived to be 120, the pulsa denuraniks would have taken responsibility. That’s the beauty of vague death curses. To wit: I don’t really like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Abra cadabra! Hocus pocus! Alakazam! Shim shiminee! Hackensack! I curse him to die! Oooooooooooh!

And when he does, be it tomorrow or forty years from now, it’s all going to be because of me. Just you wait.

Of course, to be fair, not all extremist dickheads attribute Sharon’s death to the pulsa denura. Some claim that it was because of the little children.

[Pulsa denura participant Yosef] Dayan said that while he could not say for certain that the death curse caused the stroke, he was sure that Sharon’s crime in evacuating the Gaza Strip settlements contributed to the deterioration in his health.

“This is a great day for Israel since that evil man is gone.” Dayan said. “I am convinced that God heard the prayers of the children in Gush Katif. When those kids were thrown from their homes they prayed and God heard their prayers.”

I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid I prayed for things like world peace and health for my family and Nintendo. Apparently for the children of Gush Katif, however, it goes more like, “Now I lay me down to sleep / I pray the Lord my soul to keep / and if I should die before I wake / I pray the Lord takes out that motherfucker Sharon before I go. Oh, and may God bless mommy and daddy and my little sister. Amen.”

What are we teaching the children these days?

In any case, I think we should take Baruch Ben-Yosef at his word. He claims full responsibility. Killing the prime minister is a criminal offense. Lock him up! Throw away the key! Let’s see how well a pulsa denura works when they try him in the showers.

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