its a good time to go veggieI regret to inform you, our faithful readers, that we heretics and haters of !@-G-d-@!^_^ at Jewlicious have finally been stricken for our blasphemy. Maybe our buddies in Kfar Tapuach have pulsa denura-ed us. Maybe H@s-em:-) has answered the prayers of the Gush Katif children to smite us. Whatever it is, we’re all fucked.

That’s right. An East Jerusalem chicken-owner is currently hospitalized at Hadassah Ein Karem with flu-like symptoms after several of his chickens died from a mysterious illness.

Apparently Hadassah Ein Karem spokesperson Shlomo Mor-Yosef has acquired a taste for the spotlight and just has to keep upping the ante to remain on the news.

Normally I wouldn’t worry, but both Laya and I have been stricken in the past two days with a sudden illness with…wait for it…flu-like symptoms. I’ve been following my immigrant mother’s Old Country Prescription of shots of vodka followed by hot tea, but I think she only recommended that because in Communist-occupied Czernivtsi circa 1960 the sinister Reds didn’t distribute Tamiflu to the proletariat. And with Laya and me down for the count, it’s only a matter of time until The Virus works through ck’s mighty Moroccan constitution. I imagine a 28 Days Later type situation with The Stricken wandering through the streets of Jerusalem, single-minded in their pursuit of hummus and the brains of the as-yet-uninfected.

So given the impending death of fully 4/7 of Jewlicious, I can only say, tears in my eyes, to Esther, Grandmuffti and TheMiddle: don’t forget us. Carry on our proud tradition of defaming religious Jews, the children of Gush Katif, the M-n Upst-irs and/or being racist genocidal anti-Arab pigs (depending on who you ask). Jewlicious is…(sob)…in your hands now.

And to our unidentified friend from East Jerusalem, a refuah shlemah. Please don’t kill us all. And if you survive this, might I recommend vegetarianism?

About the author

michael

15 Comments

  • Are Shawarma’s affected? I think I’ll stick to fallafels, this is a good time to switch to vegetarianism.

    TK

  • Hmmm — I departed from Jerusalem last week with rapidly accelerating flu-like symptoms that near caused my sinuses and ear canals to implode on landing in Newark. I’m still spraying a gross mix of snot, blood and fluid in every direction.

    Could the Awesome Hummus Dude in Mahne Yehuda be a vector…?

  • Did you all eat from the Chanukah basket I sent? I would feel downright rotten if I inadvertently poisoned you with chocolate coins.

    You picture 28 Days Later, but I picture Shaun of the Dead. Much funnier. And yet still terrifying. Kind of like posting here.

    Refuah shlemah. And the survivors will be uniting for a prayer vigil/wine tasting in Long Beach mid-February.

  • Hey! Who deleted Red Headed Jewish Girl’s comment??

    Esther: We all ate from the basket and while Laya and Michael and even Rebecca were down for the count at one point or another, I’m still chug-chug-chuggin’ away!

  • Sorry to burst your bubbles but it was just reported on the news that the East Jerusalem resident did not test positive for bird flu. I guess your safe after all. Dammit.

  • Israel bird flu scare proves unfounded

    By JUDY SIEGEL-ITZKOVICH

    The lab at Hadassah University Medical Center found on Monday night that a 50-year-old east Jerusalem man who developed flu symptoms and who raises chickens – five of which died in the past few days – does not have the deadly avian flu strain H5N1.

    The Health Ministry, which announced this, said it was waiting for confirmation from the infections diseases lab at Sheba Medical Center, but expected that the results would be the same.

    The man, who lives in the village of Sur Baher, was been hospitalized in isolation at Hadassah University Medical Center in Jerusalem’s Ein Kerem as a precautionary measure. The Agriculture Ministry Veterinary Service has not yet released the results of tests of the dead chickens.

  • The Number one best communist ummm occupied south ukraine remedy is ice cold vodka, then a jump into the sauna while commencing a ritual beating of your back with branches and then jumping into an ice bath.. Repeat about 25 more times for about 9 hours every other day and you will be all better.

  • Sorry, but it’s hard for me to believe that the next pandemic is gonna come from a bunch of animals whose brothers and sisters become my omelettes 3+ times a week.

    How do Israelis just inhale eggs? Breakfast, Breakfast lunch, brunch, the 11 o clock dinner…Eggs eggs eggs eggseggsegggs

  • Dear Jewlicious,

    In 1999 I began to investigate the Nature of CHANGE it self in order to define the cycle of cause and effect

    After many years going round and round in circles I decided to abandon the Cartesian plane all together and use a swastika as a platform.

    The verify I was indeed discovering a Universal Law within Nature, I applied this to the genetic SEQUENCE and to my surprise was able to verify the Star of David to be at the core of this syntax.

    As my work progressed I began to challenge my own belief system and eventually abandoned Newton’s concept of opposites in particular his third Law of motion.

    This led to further discoveries where I was able to explain why two neutrons communicate instantaneously ten kilometers apart greater than light can travel in that space.

    Later I was to learn that mathematicians were looking for a simpler way to draw spirals, particularly one that could combine both archimedes and equiangular spirals into one method.

    Before I knew it I was discovering a Universal architecture within Nature, what some call intelligent design or the tapestry of God.

    Abandoning the christian concept of opposites had some surprising results, I began to develop a new approach to understanding motion but the outcome itself will have profound sociological implications upon the planet as would demonstrate the world to be the other way round.

    This is because we have to account for why the spirals within Nature which are chiral IE mainly left handed.

    This knowledge can also be used to demonstrate WHY the true pole resides at the Equator perpendicular to where it is now.

    During this time I began to inquire once again into who I was because I was born in unusual
    circumstances.

    Suffice to say the mark that appeared on my left side as a result of shingles, was confirmation of who I am and what I am here to do.

    It is my intention to use my knowledge and position to bring about the end of Israel and the deconstruction of the American way of life, as both countries are holding back the Natural evolution of the planets consciousness.

    THEN I WILL SET UP A WORLD COUNCIL THAT WILL BE SITUATED IN PERTH AUSTRALIA.

    THIS WILL BECOME AN INDEPENDENT STATE SEPARATE FROM AUSTRALIA WITH ITS OWN LAWS AND JURISDICTION.

    kind regards

    Whiteeagle
    Holy Man

  • Very cool, White Eagle. We’ll organize our team and send them over on the private heli-jet. I visualize a ton of fun when our spirals meet your spirals.

  • Sounds like that moshiak freak has metamorphesed into something radically new? Now he’s setting up a council in Oz. Good luck with the spirals. I hope you forget a high SPF sunscreen and get smitten with huge sun boils like the Egyptians did.

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