A Jewlicious Exclusive

Jewlicious operatives in Israel recently gained access to a top secret Mossad facility used to train Shark Assassins. Hoping to undermine Egypt’s tourism industry which is harming Eilat’s economy, the Mossad has trained dozens of sharks to attack European tourists in the Sinai.

Rare photo of the Mossad's secret underground killer shark training facility

This facility was, until now, a well kept secret and even Jewlicious correspondent Larry was fooled into ridiculing the assertions of the governor of South Sinai, General Abdel Fadeel Shosha, that these Sharks were planted in Egyptian waters by the Mossad. Egyptian Shark specialist Captain Mustafa Ismael theorized that the Sharks had been implanted with GPS devices which prevented them from going up the coast and attacking tourists in Eilat.

However, our investigation has pinpointed the exact method used by the Mossad to make sure that neither tourists in Eilat or Israelis visiting the Sinai get attacked. It’s very simple really and the answer is… pork. The Mossad trained these sharks to love pork, and with their finely honed sense of smell, they only attack humans who have recently consumed ham or bacon or sausages and other pork products. In the Sinai that means the sharks only attack European tourists who stay in hotels. Israelis staying in Bedouin Hooshas (thatched cabin encampments) are never attacked because the Bedouins don’t serve pork. The Beach at Eilat also offers these ravenous sharks slim pickings because there are no hotels in Eilat that serve pork.

Mossad agent Dr. Ben Boom-Boom Zonah training sharks to eat bacon and kill European tourists

While we are impressed with the Mossad’s ingenuity, we note with sadness that this amoral operation is yet another example of the destabilizing effect of the occupation. Once the Palestinians achieve justice and are repatriated to their homes and verdant fields, and the King and Queen of Palestine are returned to their thrones, we are certain that there will no longer be killer pork eating Mossad sharks infecting the waters of the Red Sea and victimizing innocent European tourists.

About the author

ck

Founder and Publisher of Jewlicious, David Abitbol lives in Jerusalem with his wife, newborn daughter and toddler son. Blogging as "ck" he's been blocked on twitter by the right and the left, so he's doing something right.

24 Comments

  • I heard there was a second strain of the killer sharks that were actually robotic and equipped with head-mounted “laser beams.” Beware: the Mossad is the greatest spy agency in the history of the world, and the very manifestation of the Zionist plot to control the world… and of course destroy the clearly booming tourist industry of Egypt.

  • “Mossad agent Dr. Ben Boom-Boom Zonah” LOL !!! I still have tears from laughing so hard!

  • Ah yes, jewish ninja sharks. It’s a centuries old story. Boy meets shark, boy loves shark, shark eats boy because he’s a gentile.

  • You all miss the most important point, the 3,500 years old agreement: Jews don’t eat sharks (non-kosher); sharks don’t eat Jews…

  • Moreover, sharks just looove egyptians – each Pessah they swim around, singing beautiful song : Moses, Moses, send us some more…

  • I have a friend that’s a secret agent for the Mossad and he informs me that the Mossad actually invented sharks.

  • lol, not as funny as the claim made by israelis that palestinians boycotting settlement products is economic terrorism

    israel controls palestinian trade and commerce

    hell israel even controls palestinian borders, if a palestinian boy approaches the border israeli soldeirs have the right to shoot even if the boy is on the palestinian side

    but if an israeli drone crashes deep inside gaza, israeli soldiers can go and retrieve it without palestinian permission

    as for the “economic terrorism”, look at the blockade imposed at gaza

    you israelis are shit, laughing at the deaths of european tourists

    • We’e not laughing at the death of innocent tourists. We’re laughing at a bone headed Egyptian government official who believes that we’re training sharks to kill tourists. And yes, we shoot Palestinian boys every day. We have a Palestinian Boy Assassination Training Center where we train specialists in that area. Palestinian boys are small targets and they run fast so it’s not that easy to kill them, hence the specialized training. Oh and one more thing, you’re an idiot 😉

  • Hey brother, that is EXACTLY what pissed me off about the news reporting of this story. “5 shark attacks. One 70 year old German tourist dead. Egyptian official blames the Mossad for unleashing killer sharks in the waters.” My emotions, “crazy!, how terribly sad!, oooohhh my god! sooo funnny”. Somehow including the wacko Egyptian statement completely turned this sad story into a joke.

  • Yeah one that one elderly German woman had her leg torn off and she died. How friggin horrific is that?

  • Love the Lord thy God with all thy
    heart, all the strength, and all thy means,
    and thy neighbor as thyself…

    Why anyone chooses to consume swine,
    (an animal that does not sweat, consumes
    its own feces, and, if given the opportunity,
    is quite domesticated and intelliget, is
    perplexing to me…) Though, honestly,
    free will is foremost, however, I have encountered
    individuals, (often of German heritage, but not
    necessarily…) who become rather affronted when
    I request a pork and shell fish free diet.
    I have not always been Kosher, none of my Jew/Pagan
    family is, though I have always felt fatigued physically
    and mentally after having consumed such products.
    Perhaps a genetic allergy, but their are absolutely
    horrendous bacterial infections associated with
    these non Kosher foods. That alone should cause pause
    for the consumer…Anyway, Amusing story indeed.

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