“This commission agreed unanimously that training our young people to embrace this future is the wisest course of action.”

Brussels, November 2 – A special commission of the European Parliament submitted its binding recommendations to the legislature today on the subject of absorbing the influx of Muslims from war-torn or economically depressed countries in Africa and the Middle East, with the chief recommendation involving the institution of preparatory courses for elementary and high school students in how to conduct oneself as inferior to Muslims.

The status of non-Muslims under Islamic rule, known as dhimma, was the norm throughout the Islamic world since the advent and expansion of the faith from the seventh century CE onward. Christians, Jews, Zoroastrians, Yezidis, Hindus, and many other non-Muslim peoples were dhimmis, which meant that they enjoyed certain protections, but had their rights and freedoms restricted in comparison to those of their Muslim neighbors. The commission recommended that in anticipation of a further influx of Muslims, a high birthrate among the immigrants, and difficulties in assimilating the newcomers into the host culture, the Continent should instead embrace dhimmi status to make the new arrivals feel welcome.

“Many of the largely symbolic provisions of dhimmitude are not even relevant in modern Europe,” noted the chief of the commission, Vidkun Quisling of Norway. “The ban on dhimmis riding horses has been rendered meaningless. Dhimmis may not carry weapons, but that’s already the case for the vast majority of European citizens. And no Dhimmi may testify in court against a Muslim, but to be honest, who among us isn’t already too intimidated to do so? This commission agreed unanimously that training our young people to embrace this future is the wisest course of action and will smooth relations with our new fellow citizens of Europe.”

Specifically, the parliamentary commission calls for dhimmi education to begin at age seven, and continue with increasing intensity through grade 12. Basic levels of the curriculum will cover everyday occurrences such as encountering the superior Muslim in various situations and determining how and to whom to pay the jizya protection tax. Upperclassmen will also explore intricacies of the dhimma system with more limited everyday application, such as the restriction that no church may rise higher than the local mosque.

German delegate Dorr Madt voiced his hope that the hundreds of thousands of new Europeans would feel welcomed by the gesture. “Heaven knows we – I mean, Allah knows we’ve had trouble exercising tolerance,” he observed. “It it my fervent belief that this measure will go a long way toward ensuring a smooth transition into whatever happens next.”


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PreOccupied Territory

PreOccupied Territory writes the news a few days in advance, because nothing we can think of is too absurd to happen in the Middle East.