Jensen Huang resigned as CEO of Nvidia on Thursday. The man has not even packed up his office yet. He probably still has a leather jacket hanging on the back of the door. And the Israel-brained (olds: people who can’t look at anything without seeing Israel) corner of X has already solved the case. It was the Jews. Obviously. It’s always the Jews.
Leading the charge is Ian Carroll, a podcaster whose X bio says he’s “Not an expert in anything but sarcasm.” Here’s what he posted on Thursday, a few hours after the resignation:
Jensen Huang founded NVIDIA when I was one year old and he’s led it ever since to becoming the highest valuation company in the world and a MASSIVE boon to the American economy. His ousting should be investigated as an act of corporate espionage by the Israelis. Imagine if Russia did that to the CEO of Amazon and then put in a new Russian CEO. No big deal.
— Ian Carroll (@IanCarrollShow) November 12, 2026
In case you can’t see it: “His ousting should be investigated as an act of corporate espionage by the Israelis. Imagine if Russia did that to the CEO of Amazon and then put in a new Russian CEO. No big deal.” By Friday morning it had more than 670,000 views and 27,000 likes. That’s not a take. That’s brain rot (olds: what happens to your mind after too many hours on the internet).
Let’s play out Ian’s little hypothetical. Nvidia’s interim CEO, at least until the board picks a permanent one, is Colette Kress, its CFO, who spent her career at Texas Instruments, Microsoft and Cisco. She is not Israeli. And the CEO of Amazon is Andy Jassy, who, as one reply with 749 likes pointed out, is Jewish. So in Ian’s version, the Russians would be ousting a Jew. I don’t think that’s the point he meant to make. Also, the only country actually accused of espionage in this story is China. Ian, babe, it’s in the headline. Be so for real (olds: get serious).
Then the replies started. The top one, with more than 2,000 likes, agreed with him: “Surely the Israelis that run the US government will investigate the Israelis that took over NVIDIA.” And a little further down, one guy cracked the whole case wide open:
Huang is a Jewish Chinese surname. Now imagine this Ian. Jensen Huang is a Crypto Jew that was tapped, funded and tasked with creating a chip company which he would eventually hand over to Israel.
Then he got even more delulu (olds: delusional) and followed up by explaining that TikTok’s founder, Zhang Yiming, is “another Chinese Jew.” The evidence is their last names. He signed off with “Every Single Time,” which is what Antisemites post online when they want to say “the Jews are behind it again” without typing the word Jews.
To be fair, a lot of the replies were cooking him (olds: roasting him). My favorites: “It’s Israel’s fault that Huang slept with a Chinese spy.” “China sends a spy to get intel on NVIDIA… *Its Israel*.” “This Israel country sounds pretty powerful, would love to have them as an ally.” And my personal favorite: “I ran out of waffles this morning. Damn you, Israel.”
But still. Bestie. No. Let’s go through it, because apparently we have to.
What actually happened
Huang co-founded Nvidia in 1993 and ran it for 33 years. Over the past couple of weeks, the New York Times and others reported that he’d had an affair with Alice Huang, also known as Huang Le, a former executive at a Singapore company called Megaspeed. U.S. intelligence has identified her as a Chinese intelligence asset. Huang admitted to the affair. Then the Times reported a second affair, with Kimberly Powell, a senior Nvidia executive who reported directly to him. Nvidia’s board met Wednesday night, and on Thursday he was out. CFO Colette Kress is now interim CEO.
For anyone who missed the spy-movie part: this is what’s called a honey trap. A government sends an attractive person to get close to someone important and learn their secrets. The government that allegedly did it here is China. Not Israel. China. It’s in every single headline.
“Chinese Jews,” explained by someone who isn’t insane
Here’s the thing. There really were Chinese Jews, and they’re actually one of the coolest stories in Jewish history. The Kaifeng Jews were a community of Jewish traders who settled in the city of Kaifeng, in central China, around a thousand years ago, probably by way of the Silk Road. They built a synagogue, kept their Torah scrolls, and at their peak numbered maybe 5,000 people. Over the centuries they mostly assimilated. Today there are roughly a thousand descendants in Kaifeng, and only a small number of them practice anything Jewish. A few families have converted formally and moved to Israel.
Because a Ming emperor reportedly found Hebrew names confusing, the Kaifeng Jewish families ended up with Chinese surnames: Ai, Shi, Gao, Jin, Li, Zhang and Zhao. An old stone inscription from 1489 lists a few more, and Huang is one of them.
As for “Crypto Jew”: real crypto Jews are a real and very sad part of Jewish history. They were Jews in Spain and Portugal who were forced to convert to Catholicism, mostly during the Inquisition, and kept practicing Judaism in secret, at the risk of being tortured or burned alive if they got caught. That is not the same thing as a Taiwanese-American engineer having an affair. The only crypto anything Nvidia was ever involved in was guys mining Bitcoin on gaming cards in their mom’s basement. We’ll get to that.
Back to the surnames, because that’s the whole case. Huang is on an old list, and so is Zhang. Therefore Jensen Huang and the TikTok guy are secret Jews. The math ain’t mathing (olds: this makes zero sense), so let’s do the math.
Let’s do the math
These are not rare names. These are some of the most common surnames on the planet.
- Li: about 100 million people in China.
- Zhang: about 95 million people in China.
- Huang: the seventh most common surname in China, around 30 million people, and the third most common in Taiwan.
There are about 16 million Jews in the entire world. By this guy’s logic, the Li and Zhang families alone make up nearly 200 million Jews, which is about twelve times all the Jews on Earth. We would finally win an argument about who’s the biggest religion. My bubbe would be so happy. There are so many Zhangs and Lis in China that “Zhang San, Li Si” is literally the Chinese way of saying “any random person.” It’s their “Tom, Dick and Harry.” He found the Chinese John Smith and decided it was Goldberg. No cap (olds: I’m not lying).
Oh, and it gets better. Remember Zhao, one of the seven Kaifeng names? It’s the first name in the Hundred Family Surnames, the classic list every Chinese kid learns, because it was the emperor’s own surname when the list was written. About 26 million people in China have it. And in the old Cantonese spellings that a lot of early Chinese immigrants brought to America, Zhao was often written as… “Jew.” Same goes for some families named Zhou. There are Chinese-American families whose last name is literally, legally, on their passports, Jew. Not one of them is Jewish because of it. It’s a spelling. If our guy ever finds out about this, he’s going to need a lie down. Add the Zhaos to the Lis and the Zhangs and we’re past 220 million secret Chinese Jews. Somebody call the Jewish Agency. We’re going to need a lot more absorption centers for all the new arrivals.
Jensen Huang, for the record, was born in Tainan, Taiwan, in 1963, to a chemical engineer and a schoolteacher. No synagogue was involved. Also: by this logic half of Taipei is in my shul’s WhatsApp group. Somebody tell the gabbai, the guy who runs things at shul, we need more chairs.
And here’s my favorite part. If you look closely, the “research” in our guy’s replies, the paragraph about the Ming emperor and the seven surnames and Jin and Shi meaning Gold and Stone, matches, nearly word for word, an article in Jewish Currents. Jewish Currents is a very left-wing Jewish magazine, the kind that is no fan of the Israeli government. So our guy’s source on the secret Zionist plot is the woke Jews. The call is coming from inside the house. And the article ran in October 2016, ten years ago, back when GPUs were mostly for graphic designers, video editors and gamers in their mom’s basement. So either the Zionists published their master plan for AI a decade early in a lefty magazine, or it’s just a history article about Jews in China. The same article notes that out of about a thousand Jews in Kaifeng today, only a hundred or two hundred are active in the culture. Some world domination.
The world’s slowest master plan
The theory says Huang was “tapped” to build Nvidia so he could hand it to Israel. Let’s take that seriously for one second and look at the timeline, because it’s giving (olds: it resembles) the dumbest heist movie ever made.
- 1993: The Elders of Zion found Nvidia at a Denny’s in San Jose. I’m not making that up. Huang, Chris Malachowsky and Curtis Priem started the company in a booth at a Denny’s. Truly the most Jewish place on Earth, famous for its Grand Slam breakfast with bacon.
- The next 20-something years: Nvidia makes graphics cards for video games. The Zionist plan advances by letting my little brother play Call of Duty at a few more frames per second. Very sinister. He did become insufferable.
- The crypto years: Nerds buy up every graphics card on the planet to mine cryptocurrency in their mom’s basement. Gamers can’t find a card for love or money. Still no Zionists. Just a fire hazard.
- The AI boom: It turns out the chips built for video games are also perfect for training AI. Nvidia becomes one of the most valuable companies in the world.
- 2026: The master plan reaches its brilliant final stage: the CEO cheats on his wife with a woman U.S. intelligence says was spying for China.
- Step 6: ??? The Jews own AI.
Babe, if the Elders of Zion were real and this was their plan, they fumbled the bag (olds: blew a sure thing) and should be fired too. Thirty-three years, and the payoff is a scandal that cost Nvidia about $1.4 trillion in market value in two weeks. Some takeover. You don’t steal a company by setting it on fire first.
The plot to fire Israel’s biggest fan
This is the part that really gets me. If Zionists wanted Jensen Huang gone, they picked the weirdest target on Earth. The man has been glazing (olds: praising something so hard it’s embarrassing) Israel for years. According to the Forward, Nvidia employs about 6,000 people in Israel, its biggest research and development operation outside the U.S. That’s mostly because Huang bought the Israeli chip company Mellanox for $6.9 billion and kept it in Israel. He’s called Israel a “second home” for Nvidia. Israeli business site Calcalist called him “arguably one of Israel’s strongest supporters within Nvidia.”
And then there’s Avinatan Or. He’s an Nvidia chip engineer who was kidnapped by Hamas from the Nova festival on October 7 along with his girlfriend at the time, Noa Argamani. He was held hostage for 738 days. Huang stayed in touch with his family the whole time, and when Or came home, Huang hosted him and Noa at Nvidia’s headquarters.
It goes further. On October 7, Hamas also murdered Danielle Waldman, the daughter of Mellanox founder Eyal Waldman, and her partner Noam Shai, a former Nvidia employee. Huang wrote to his Israeli staff with condolences within days. In 2024 he told employees that “our Israeli and Palestinian employees should know that there’s no danger they will lose our support.” And last December he announced a giant new Nvidia campus in Kiryat Tivon, near Haifa, for up to 10,000 employees, saying “Israel has become Nvidia’s second home.” Ynet once ran a headline calling him “the only man in Silicon Valley not afraid to say ‘I am 100% with Israel.'”
So the Zionist master plan is to get rid of the guy who built Nvidia’s biggest operation outside America in Israel, was about to build it a 10,000-person campus, and stood by an Israeli hostage’s family for two years. Brilliant. Fire your biggest fan. Chef’s kiss.
He’s not alone
Ian and his reply guys aren’t alone, either. Under a post about Ynet’s list of possible Israeli successors, one reply read: “If a Israeli becomes CEO we’re all doomed. They got their hand in everything.” Grammar optional, apparently. A site called The People’s Voice ran a piece literally headlined “The Nvidia Zionist Coup,” calling the resignation “a hostile Zionist takeover.” (I’m not linking it. They don’t get the clicks.) A Substack called it “another Israeli takeover bid much like Tik Tok.” Their evidence comes down to two things.
Exhibit A: The new interim CEO, Colette Kress, once told the Israeli business paper Globes, “My day starts with Israel meetings, and only then continues to California.” That’s the real quote, from 2023. By the time it hit X it had turned into her “usually begins her day talking to the company’s Israeli executives,” which sounds a lot more sinister. Here’s the thing. Israel is nine or ten hours ahead of California. If you have 6,000 employees there, you talk to them in the morning, because by the afternoon they’re asleep. That’s not a conspiracy. That’s a time zone. Kress, by the way, is a finance executive who worked at Texas Instruments, Microsoft and Cisco and has been Nvidia’s CFO since 2013. Very Mossad.
Exhibit B: Israeli media have floated Israelis as possible permanent replacements. Haaretz named two, and Ynet named three. There’s Nvidia’s chief technology officer Michael Kagan, a Mellanox co-founder. There’s Eyal Waldman, who founded Mellanox and ran it for two decades, and who left Nvidia in 2020. And there’s Apple’s chip boss Johny Srouji, who was born to an Arab Christian family in Haifa. So the secret Zionist shortlist is an Nvidia lifer, a guy who hasn’t worked there in six years, and an Arab Christian who works at Apple. If that’s the plan, the Zionists have a really weird recruiting process. Nvidia hasn’t named any of them. Even the conspiracy can’t stay on message.
Meanwhile, the president of the United States posted that former Apple CEO Tim Cook should take over. Nobody’s called Tim Cook a secret Jew yet. Give it a day.
My mom has entered the chat
I sent all this to my mother. My mom grew up secular Reform, and her Judaism mostly comes out when someone comes for the Jews, the Holocaust or Israel. Then she will defend the Jewish people to the death. There is nothing she hates more than “the Jews control everything.” Except swearing. And people who are mean to Mayim Bialik.
Her response, in full: “If we controlled everything, would I still be on hold with the cable company? Two hundred million Chinese Jews and not one of them can get me a technician before Tuesday? Unbelievable. Also tell your brother to call me.”
Mom’s not wrong. Mom is never wrong about this.
Why this matters (a little)
It’s easy to laugh at this, and you should. It’s very funny. But notice how fast it happened. A story with a clear villain, the one in every headline, the one U.S. intelligence named, got rewritten into a Jewish plot in less than a day. Nobody had to find evidence. They just needed a common Chinese surname, a misquoted interview, and a list of Israeli engineers. That’s how Antisemitism works. It doesn’t need facts. It just needs a news cycle and a lot of chronically online (olds: spends way too much time on the internet) guys yapping (olds: talking nonstop without saying anything). Remember Marjorie Taylor Greene’s space lasers? Same energy.
So here’s my message to the whackos: not everything is about us. Sometimes a married man is just stupid. Touch grass (olds: go outside and get a life). And maybe let Jensen pack his office first.
