It’s clear that even after three years in captivity, it’s unlikely that Hamas is going to let Gilad Shalit go any time soon. Some of the reasons for this, beyond the fact that Hamas are heartless motherfuckers, were succinctly elucidated by Guy Bechor in an opinion piece in YNet titled Hamas fears a swap. Bechor outlines 10 reasons why including the fact that Shalit is the only asset currently possessed by Hamas; Hamas’ Damascus based leadership doesn’t really want to release prisoners like the domestic Hamas leaders currently in prisons as well as Fatah’s Marwan Barghoutti, both of whom will challenge their control etc. etc. The bottom line is that Hamas needs an Israeli prisoner. But does it have to be Gilad Shalit?
I suggest that they let Gilad Shalit go. Three years without even a visit from the Red Cross is enough already. Instead, they can take me. By letting Gilad rejoin his friends and family, they can show what awesome humanitarians they are and by taking me, they can retain the advantages they have secured from kidnapping an Israeli. I think I’d be a pretty good hostage too! Like Shalit I hold dual citizenship, my Mom and sisters are sure to go batshit – crying for the camera and begging for my release while my Dad can present the stoic figure of a simple man thrust into the limelight, begging Israeli and world leaders to do what they can to secure my release. Unlike Shalit I can bide my time preparing excellent Tahini and Shakshuka for my captors and if Hamas wants to get really creative, they can allow me Internet access which will enable me to blog and tweet about how awful or awesome my captors are. But that’s entirely up to them. I’m willing to go with absolutely no preconditions. I’ll even bring a few cartons of Marlboro cigarettes as a humanitarian gift to my future captors who must be getting seriously raspy throats from all those nasty Egyptian Cleopatra cigarettes they’re forced to smoke because of Israel’s blockade. I’d really be an awesome hostage. Really. My lease expires September 15th and doing the swap by then would allow Shalit to rejoin his family in time for the holidays. I don’t have much going on right now, I’m not dating anyone and it might not be a bad idea to ride out the bad economic times in a Gaza prison as a guest of Hamas.
Now it’s entirely possible that some other reader of Jewlicious would make for a better hostage. If you think you’d be a superior replacement to Gilad Shalit, let me know! Send me a photo of you holding a “Dear Hamas, Take me!” sign and let me know why you’d make a better hostage and we’ll repost it here. If you convince me that you’re tougher and more congenial than me, I may even send you a free “I Love Hashem” t-shirt which I am sure would serve you really well in Gaza… REALLY well… Send all entries to jewlicious at gmail dot com and enter “Dear Hamas Take Me!” into the subject line.