Uh... what?Forget gassing and electrocution, Hezbollah scientists are crowing with delight today after a new, accidental discovery is promising to make the organization rich beyond its wildest dreams. They have already contacted some shady attorneys from Dewey Cheatham & Howe who specialize in licensing law but may, one day, lead the country in the War on Terror. McDonalds is clamoring to buy the rights to this amazing new science, and we hear Burger King and Wendy’s are not far behind and the trio may enter a bidding war.

Hezbollah’s accidental good fortune began earlier today when, on a routine mission to ambush Israeli soldiers with hidden bombs so that their bodies may explode and die brutal and painful deaths, Hezbollah forgot to take into account that Mabel, a local cow, enjoys taking her post-grazing bowel movement next to the third rock of the fourth quadrant of the field across from Chamor Ibn Chamor’s watch tower on the Lebanese side of the border.

Upon reaching said third rock, Mabel began to drop her load. While the hidden bomb was carefully concealed, it was triggered to explode if any additional weight landed on it. Poor Mabel had barely a second to flash back upon her genteel life in the North of Israel before she became, well, the stuff of hamburger, steak, brisket, corned beef, tongue sandwich (in one lucky deli, anyway), pot roast, pastrami, beef stew and carpaccio.

While some Israeli soldiers are breathing a sigh of relief, Mabel’s owners are a little saddened by the loss of their cow and planning to launch a multi-million dollar lawsuit in US courts. They hope to entice Michael Chertoff to forego his appointment to head Homeland Security so he can return to private practice to clobber the terrorists in court – something he has had less success doing while in government.

Chamor Ibn Chamor has fled his watch tower temporarily, in the event the Israelis seek to retaliate over the dead cow. Settlers from Yesha are pointing out that if Israel disengages from Gaza, it will be inviting cow-killing terrorists to reside along these new breachable borders. Left wing pseudo-hippies living in cool, trendy but dilapidated South Tel Aviv apartments are claiming – between wild swings at the flying cockroaches who share their homes – that the incompetence of these terrorists is ample proof that Israel can handle any pullout from Gaza. In any case, they point out, FREE BEEF! Arik Sharon and his ministers had no comment, although he has apparently ordered beef ribs and cholent with kishkes for shabbat. Rabbis throughout the land are warning their congregants to avoid cow meat for several days so as not to accidentally eat part of this treyf meat.

The Hezbollah scientists? They are thrilled with the outcome! They are already planning smaller and lighter bombs which can kill the cows but with fewer, uh, roasted parts. And they have already asked Hezbollah leaders to make sure that a nomination to the appropriate Nobel Committee will be forthcoming (a stinging debate is raging as to whether they qualify for the Chemistry or Medicine prize).

The French President, Chirac, has sent a congratulatory note expressing sadness that the bomb missed its intended target but assurances that he will send his own personal chef to help with preparation instructions for boeuf bourgignon. Prince Harry of Britain has also sent a note of apology for not being able to come and celebrate with the Hezbollans, apparently he has to visit Auschwitz to appease some Jews. Best of all, Dutch fans of the Ajax football club have decided to convert en masse and make aliyah in the hopes of increasing the average height of Israelis.

Oh, in the South of Israel, another bombing by terror groups was much more successful and 6 Israeli civilian security guards are now dead. It’s war, and some Israeli soldier near the Lebanese border is lucky as hell that Mabel died in his place today.

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themiddle

14 Comments

  • The irony is that you support the Gaza/North Shomron retreat plan that will create a much larger border area for these sorts of attacks in the future closer to the_middle of the country.

    Shabbat shalom

  • Well Josh, It’s not like we’re thrilled about it. Thursdays attack demonstrates that we’re dealing with an enemy who is completely idiotic, and a Palestinian leadership with no authority over the idiots. We’re all extremely skeptical of the end results of a Gaza pullout, but… the current situation is frankly untenable. A pullout may not be the best idea but it can’t be much worst than what we have now. I’m saying this with the full realization that should the shenanigans not cease, the IDF will be forced to retake all or part of Gaza. But really what choice do we have? We gotta try something.

  • I’ll have to ask my local Imam. We actually have a number of Muslim clients, including a few mosques – I’ve got both the Sunnis and Shiites covered in that respect. I won’t bother with the Nation of Islam dudes however …

  • Of tempests and teapots
    Another day, another tempest in a teapot. Today we have the stunning, absolutely stunning, I tell you, revelation that Markos Zuniga of dKos infamy and Jerome Armstrong, of MyDD, were paid by the Dean campaign for more than just technical…

  • Josh, I want to point out that since we left Lebanon, that border has been relatively quiet. There are occasional attacks, to be sure, but they are infrequent and the total loss of lives over the past couple of years is less than the total loss of Israeli lives in the last couple of weeks just in Gaza.

    Nobody is saying the pullout is a perfect plan. However, it’s a good plan under the current circumstances, and your alternative offers not even one serious solution or alternative. The best Ezra could do was talk about how one day there will be a war “to win.” Right, I’d like to see what the world does if Israel tries to move, or even indirectly moves, a million or more Palestinians elsewhere. Give us a serious alternative scenario and we’ll discuss it.

    Shabbat shalom

  • Then what happens next, the border gets closer to the larger Israeli public and they (Arabs) do the same thing until Israel pulls out of all the land. Which is what they want of course. Staying in Yesha is the way to protect Israel’s future.

  • Matityahu,

    I think that was something which previous governments, and maybe also many Israelis had thought. The issue becomes one of demographics, with the total number of Arabs between the Jordan River and the sea slowly becoming equal to, and eventually exceeding, that of Jews. At that point, and probably even before, Israel will cease to be a democracy.

    I don’t know about others on Jewlicious, but I don’t see the point of having a Jewish state if it’s not democratic.

    Another key issue is the burden – moral, social, economic, financial, diplomatic and political – upon Israel and its society of remaining in the territories.

    But as I mentioned, I’m happy to hear alternative plans and ideas. I still haven’t heard one from those of our guests who advocate for not having a pullout and keeping the status quo in the territories. It is already a harmful situation for Israel in many respects, but doing nothing brings the day when we get called South Africa closer and closer. So what is a realistic solution other than negotiating for peace with an understanding that we’ll have to give up most of Yesha? What is a realistic solution other than taking unilateral steps when they refuse to negotiate for peace with us?

    Seriously, I would like to hear some ideas. Anything. One idea.

  • TM

    the point of the state of israel is to save the lives of jews around the world. If it takes apartheid to do that then so be it. not that this should be an ideal, but yes a non-democratic jewish state is better than none. we jews should learn from out history that good times under the terms of the goyim dont last. i say this as an american jew.

    HOWEVER the point of the gaza pullout i think, is because maintaining the gaza is no longer viable and the current situation is not worth it! it has nothing to do with apartheid or demographics. of course a democratic solution would be ideal.

    nice article though, how is ass son of an ass doing?

    shabbat shalom

  • Chamor is Hebrew for Donkey or Ass. If this person’s name were to be in arabic, it would be Chmar Ibn Chmar. Another thing is that the ibn designation means “son of.” That’s not as common so much anymore. More common amongst family men is the Abu designation, as in “father of,” so it would be, or might be Chmar Abu Chmar, or just Abu Chmar. Some have posited that this represents a diss to the past, the fathers who lost Palestine to the Jews and haven’t been able to wrest it from them since. “Abu” represents a hope for the future – not necessarily that their children will be smart and live in peace, but rather that they will in their time finally drive the Jews into the sea – hence Arab men adopt the whole “Abu” thing as their nom de guerre. Ins’allah. Heh.

    Shabbat Shalom Y’all

  • Absolute power corrupts absolutely. A major problem with staying in Gaza and the West Bank is the control we have over millions of Arabs. They are not Israeli citizens. No one (with a few exceptions) wants them to become Israeli citizens. I certainly do not. An Israeli can move anywhere he wants in Israel, and can buy anywhere he wants. Do I really want one of the fine terror-supporting folks from Ramallah moving in next-door? Do I want him to be able to vote for Prime Minister? Run for Prime Minister? No! But here is the problem–to prevent this, we have perpetuated a system in which millions of people live as second-class citizens in what is effectively a military state. That is not good for them, and not good for us. Forget the whole international image thing…how can it be good for our collective soul to act in such a fashion for so long? We don’t want them? Fine. Let them go. But build a wall, to keep them out. Maintain the strongest security we can, as protection. Keep up the best intelligence networks we can, so we are warned. It is not perfect, but there do not seem to be any better ones out there.

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