That’s right, it has come to this.
A pod of dolphins has entered Haifa Harbor and refuses to leave. Israeli authorities are seeking to remove the dolphins from the Harbor and back out to sea. At first the authorities wanted to grant them landed status, but careful checks by the Rabbinate revealed that none of these slippery animals have Jewish grandparents or parents, thus disqualifying them from automatic citizenship. One rabbi has attempted to encourage conversion to Judaism, but the dolphins are resisting, claiming that Orthodox standards are too stringent.
Israeli authorities have decided to move quickly and are mobilizing all four of Israel’s marine biologists, as well as the president and CEO of Israel’s only tuna packing plant. He claims he is there just as an observer, but it appears that his presence is adding tension to an already inflamed stand-off.
Additionally, government officials have expressed deep concerns that the gentile dolphins will end up disappearing at any time if they’re recruited by unethical building developers and builders who are looking for cheap foreign labor. This is not a small matter now that the Likud-Labor government has a Laborite for Minister of Interior and he is seeking to grant citizenship to children who were born in Israel to illegal laborers. One concern is that the dolphins, gray in color and uncircumcized, will end up being discriminated against. A brief remark by PM Arik Sharon suggested he wasn’t too concerned. “What’s the problem,” he is reported to have said, “Give’em some mobile homes and attach the new neighborhood to a large settlement in Judea. Then send press releases to the French Jews so they could see how much better it is to emigrate here and be true Zionists and pioneers than live in Paris and have the Champs Elysee and Chirac.” He was then rumored to have used certain expletives regarding Chirac.
The issue of dolphin offspring has become a battle cry for many on both the Right and the Left in Israel. The Right is demanding they be removed from Haifa Harbor immediately before they begin to reproduce and generate demographic problems for the indiginous Israeli fish, the Musht – favorite of barbecuers everywhere. One right wing activist, Effi Eitam, was overheard claiming that he had heard one hideous dolphin with a three day beard tell the females in the pod, “Be brave and use your wombs against the Zionist entity.” Upon hearing this claim, a nearby leftist approached this reporter, identified himself as Yossi Sarid and told him this was an absolute lie and the dolphin was speaking a foreign language and Eitam’s translation sucked. He claimed the dolphins want to live in peace and have as much right to the Harbor as the musht and the Israeli industrial plants polluting the water. “What, are we so special that we would not grant them the right to live here and vote as we do? How else are we going to remove the fat guy from office?”
Meanwhile, in the murky waters of the Harbor, polluted thanks to years of Israeli governments neglecting any matter that doesn’t involve keeping Volvos in the hands of Cabinet ministers, a gentle ballet was taking place as the concupiscent ( ck: www.dictionary.com) dolphins were scouting out prospective partners. They were eagerly reading each others’ JMatch profiles and YIMing with all their might. Some of the braver sorts took more pro-active steps and there were reports of dolphins making flirtatious googly-eyes at other dolphins. Particularly troubling were those males strutting in the water yelling “Ani gever, mi ha’aba shelach, huh, mi ha’aba shelach”(1) and “Nu, tistakly al haguf hazeh, adin aval chazak, matok aval charif, ta’im k’mo lev shel artichaux im ktzat mayonaise.”(2) It appears this approach made a couple of the younger dolphins giggle, a reaction which led one of the nearby marine biologists to name an over-dramatic male, “Woody” and the attracted female, “Soon Yi.”
Across the world the reaction has been fast and furious. Condoleeza Rice, speaking for President Bush, demanded that Israel refrain from taking unilateral steps and establishing “facts on the ground.” Hizbollah chief,Nasrallah, stated that Israeli claims that the dolphins entered the Harbor because of a malfunction of their natural sonar navigational systems was merely cover for special electronic warfare measures taken against Hizbollah’s new drone planes. Mordechai Vanunu gave yet another illegal interview to yet another British reporter blaming the natural sonar systems’ failure on Israel’s nuclear capability. The Arab League distributed a press release demanding that Israelis withdraw to 1947 lines and leave Jerusalem immediately, especially since the Jews were really Poles from Poland and had no connection to the place. Iran’s foreign minister, feeling left out because Iranians aren’t Arabs, stated that Iran was sending special suicide belts to the dolphins. Perhaps the harshest reaction came from the UN General Assembly which has now passed a new resolution – the 34,567th against Israel – equating Zionism with over-fishing and blaming the disastrous depletion in the world’s fish stocks on “Zionists.” A General Assembly representative pointed out in a later press conference that the General Assembly had nothing against Jews, merely against Zionists. Kofi Annan spoke later that day to a group of eager-eyes schoolchildren in Darfur and decided not to read them the children’s book handed to him by an aide. Instead, he stood up and declared, “I’ve had enough of that shitty little country. Let’s shut it down already.”
In the meantime, a little Israeli girl was seen walking to the water’s edge with her, uh, attractive Israeli babe of a mom, and pointed at the dolphins glistening in the morning sun, “Ima, tirii e’ze yofi.” (3)
(1) I’m a man, who’s your daddy, huh, who’s your daddy?”
(2) Nu, look at this body, gentle but strong, sweet but spicy hot, tasty like an artichoke heart with a little mayo on the side.
(3) Mommy, see how beautiful.